I Remember
I remember being a little girl and my mom coming by and spending an hour with me at my grandpa’s house in Tennessee. She promised she would come get me some day but she never did. She was always out getting high and when she did come by, there was always someone new with her. When my grandpa passed away I thought she would come get me then but instead I went to live with my uncle and his wife in Kentucky. My mom did not even make it to the funeral. I remember I cried as much over that as over my grandpa.
I remember being a teenager and hanging out with my friends after the game. I boy I liked asked if I wanted to walk down by the lake with him. I said yes. We walked down there and he offered me a beer. Then he asked me if I wanted to get high. I said no. I remember my crush on him went away after that.
I remember high school graduation. My uncle and my aunt were there. Even though I had not heard from her in years, I looked out over the audience to see if my mom was there. I remember being upset that she did not care.
I remember college and my first job over the summer as an intern. I told my uncle I wanted to hire a private investigator to look for my mom. My uncle said he would take care of it. She was his little sister and he was worried, too. I remember telling him I loved him and was glad he was my uncle.
I remember when the report came in. My mother’s picture matched an old Jane Doe file out in California. They requested DNA from my uncle and myself and it was a match. My mom had been dead of an overdose since about a week before my grandpa’s service. I remember my uncle holding me.
I remember feeling I now had closure because I know what happened to my mom. I also remember the years I felt abandoned. My uncle set me up with counseling and I am doing better but I do not know if I ever want to have kids. I do not like being around anyone who gets high and yet I know some of them are absolutely wonderful people who just stumbled a bit. To this day, if someone asks me if I want to smoke a joint or “party”, I remember my mom and I say no.
